While most people view a divorce as an event that occurs within the court system through a legal process, it is actually an endpoint in a much longer emotional, psychological, and practical process. Couples have been dealing with conflicts, lack of connection, or unmet expectations before they begin to think about getting a divorce.
At this point, many couples ask the following question:
Do I have to go to marriage counseling before I can get a divorce?
The answer to this question is: No, you do not have to go to marriage counseling to get a divorce in most court systems. While this answer is technically correct, it is not a complete one. It does not take into account how marriage counseling may help couples decide to separate or divorce; how often courts may recommend that couples go through a similar process; and what situations might call for, or indicate, that a couple would benefit from marital therapy (or not).
This article addresses each of these issues in more detail to help you understand not just the rule, but why the rule exists at all.
What is the Legal Perspective Behind Marriage Counseling?
Counseling is rarely legally required.
The legal perspective on divorce and marriage counseling is that, for the most part, there are very few laws requiring couples to engage in counseling before a court grants them a divorce.
Most courts determine whether a couple qualifies for a divorce based on whether the marriage has “completely broken down.” There are not very many states in America that have a requirement for couples to provide evidence of having attempted to reconcile their marriage through marriage counseling before seeking a divorce. Courts recognize that adults are capable of deciding for themselves whether they want to remain married.
Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) Options Offered to Couples by Courts
Although it may not always be required for couples to obtain counseling before they can obtain a divorce, courts in many circumstances will suggest that couples consider using methods of alternative dispute resolution that have many of the same benefits of counseling, and these options may include:
- Mediation sessions or collaborative divorce sessions,
- Parent coordination programs, or
- Conflict resolution workshops.
These types of programs provide couples who are separating from one another with ways to reduce conflict and assist with developing a plan to work together for purposes of parenting; however, these programs are designed as a means for administrative purposes and not therapeutic purposes; they support the couple’s ability to separate from one another, rather than help the couple remain together.
Reasons Why People Think They Must Go Through Marriage Counseling
Even with laws clearly stated, many people find that they need to seek counseling before proceeding with a divorce, and there are several reasons why:
1. Cultural Norms
In today’s culture, many people believe that seeking counseling is required by society or is the last thing that they can do to save a marriage.
2. Legal Advice
Sometimes lawyers will advise clients to go through counseling to ensure they have done everything possible to resolve their marriage, especially if they have children and custody might be an issue.
3. Emotional Closure
Counseling can provide you with clarity and help you resolve emotions such as guilt, and it can help each partner understand how to move forward with or without their spouse after they separate.
It is important to make clear the difference between the two: counseling is voluntary, but it can be very helpful in some situations.
What Marriage Counseling Really Offers?
Marriage counseling is a therapeutic process that helps couples improve their communication, resolve their conflicts, and understand their relationship dynamics. The outcome of the counseling process is dependent on where the couple is in their relationship and what their intentions are.
What Does Counseling Do?
- Clarification: Couples can identify and clarify their underlying issues, including communication styles and patterns, unmet emotional needs, and where they get stuck.
- Communication: Counseling offers tools to teach couples how to communicate healthily, create a constructive environment for communication, and reduce negative communication patterns and emotional expression.
- Decision-making support: Even though reconciliation may not be an option for some couples, counseling is a tool to help them make informed, thoughtful decisions as they separate and/or divorce and understand what that process entails.
What Doesn’t Counseling Do?
Here’s what marriage counseling doesn’t promise:
- Guarantee reconciliation or reunification of a marriage.
- Remove all conflict or problems from a marriage.
- Take the place of legal and/or financial planning.
In essence, it is a decision-making support tool, not a magical fix for your marriage.
Evidence From Research
Clinical trials and meta-analyses provide information on the effectiveness of couples counseling.
1. Effectiveness
Data from the American Psychological Association indicate that approximately 50–70% of couples in counseling experience decreases in relational distress.
2. Timing
Early intervention (prior to couples reaching separation) has a high likelihood of producing positive outcomes. In contrast, couples who have already reached the stage of separation may not derive significant therapeutic value from counseling.
3. Individual Factors
Predictors of counseling success include commitment, motivation, and readiness for change.
Thus, evidence shows that counseling is most likely to produce effective results when both partners agree to be active participants in the process and are open to reflection and behavioral change.
When is Marriage Counseling Most Helpful
There are times when the couple would benefit from marriage counseling. Here are four examples:
1. Uncertainty About the Relationship
Couples may be confused about whether their marriage is over. Counseling can give couples clarity about their relationship. The couple may feel they are not compatible; however, during counseling, it may be revealed that external stressors or a lack of communication are the cause, rather than true incompatibility.
2. Feeling Emotionally Connected
If both partners feel emotionally connected even in the midst of conflict, counseling can help to:
- Break the cycle of negative interaction.
- Decrease misunderstanding.
- Re-establish emotional connection between the partners.
3. Parenting Considerations
If the couple has children together, counseling can help to:
- Develop how to parent their children cooperatively.
- Decrease conflict for the children.
- Develop a plan for future interactions.
4. Preparing for an Amicable Separation
Some couples will enter counseling to develop a plan for an amicable separation. In these instances, counseling will help to:
- Facilitate the effective communication between the couple regarding their plans.
- Guide both partners on co-parenting their children.
- Provide emotional support during the transition of separating from the marriage.
Counseling Is Less Effective Or Damaging When:
1. There are Power Imbalances
If one person has more power than another in the relationship (financially, emotionally, psychologically), the counseling process may not work because it assumes that both partners will have equal and safe voices, allowing them to be expressive and communicate.
2. There is Abuse or Coercion in the Relationship
Counseling is inappropriate for use between partners who are in an abusive relationship. Attempting to use counseling within an abusive relationship may:
- Endanger the victim
- Increase pressure to repair/reunite
- Reinforce controlling behaviors
Professional guidance from domestic violence specialists is advised.
3. The Partners are Emotionally Disengaged
If one or both partners are not emotionally invested in each other, counseling often becomes ‘process’ oriented to address small problems that are not connected to the underlying issues of resolving and reconnecting in the relationship.
Financial Costs and Practical Considerations:
Marriage counseling requires a time commitment, emotional energy, and a financial investment to continue after the first session.
The cost of counseling can vary depending on the following considerations:
- Geographical Location
- Qualifications of the therapist
- Number of times counseling is attended.
Due to the cost of counseling, it may be a less relevant choice when there is a pending divorce, therefore necessitating a cost/benefit analysis. Despite these variables, many couples find value in the awareness and structured communication skills they have gained through their counseling sessions.
Possible Legal Effects of Skipping Counseling
Generally, there are no legal consequences for skipping counseling:
- Divorce proceedings will not be delayed.
- Courts do not punish couples for not trying therapy.
- Custody and financial issues will remain the same.
This will depend on whether you want to go, as it is not required by law but rather a practical and personal choice.
So.. Should You Go to Counseling Before Divorce?
To find out if marriage counseling is appropriate for your situation, you should consider:
- Your purpose for going to counseling is to reconcile or just seek clarification or a structured separation?
- Is your partner willing to go to counseling?
- Is the environment safe for you to speak openly about what is going on in your relationship?
- Do you have enough time left before the relationship crisis so that counseling will be beneficial?
- Are you able to commit the time, energy, and money necessary to attend counseling for help?
If the above provides an opportunity for real engagement, then counseling can be a very useful form of assistance. If not, you would probably want to focus on mediation, preparing for court, and developing emotional support systems.
Final Thoughts
While marriage counseling may not be mandated by law, many couples find that it can help improve their relationship. Whether you and your partner pursue counseling, having a full understanding of counseling will allow you to make the best possible decision about your relationship and any children involved.
